I should do this or that, I
should worry about what other's think, I should wear this, I should go to this
function, I should earn so much money, I should work til I am exhausted, I
should put everyone else first, I should be thinner, I should be less wrinkly,
I should do more for church, I should do more at school, I should do more with
friends, I should do more for myself, I should be a better wife, I should be a
perfect parent. I should, I should, I should! Arrghghghg! It is exhausting!
As I have
become more mindful and aware of what drives me, of my choices and of my
reactions to others expectations, I see that I have lived a bad case of the "shoulds". To change this, I am digging
deeper into how "shoulds" happen and how I can
change.
Starting with the definition:
Should; past tense of shall. Meaning must, ought, used to indicate duty, propriety, or expediency, obliged, planned or expected to
First clue - it's in past tense! It is water under the
bridge and it is not present tense. In trying to live a more mindful
existence, anything that is past tense is probably not a good rule to live by.
Even in present tense of shall, it is about fulfilling what someone
else thinks is right/just/expected. Makes me wonder who is the author of my "shoulds"?
Where do these "shoulds"
come from and who gets to decide? Society pressures us that we
"should" do this or that, family and friends give seemingly helpful
advice of what we "should" do or not do, marketing and advertisers
blatantly try to convince us we "should" buy this or get that.
It appears it for the
greater good -right? If we follow other's advice we reap the benefit of
their efforts and experience, we benefit from the expertise of people far
more knowledgeable than us. Somehow, we buy into the idea that if we meet
these expectations, we will be happy because we have "done the right
thing"; that if we do the "shoulds" we won't suffer the pain of
self-disappointment, other's judgment, or society's ridicule and will benefit
from the collective wisdom.
And sometimes it
works. It feels good to be praised, to be honored, to be accepted, to fit
in. But it feeds into itself - more making everyone else happy, more
praise, more acceptance. It can be quite the high! However, the
catch is that the deciders of "shoulds" are never satisfied. They always want
more. And we try until we are exhausted and disappointed in our failure
to "be enough" for the "shoulds". We end up discounting our own internal
wisdom and intuition. We become obliged to expectations that we never
agreed to.
Somewhere in keeping the
"shoulds"
happy, we lose our "musts". The things we must do to feed our soul,
to express ourselves, to use our unique gifts, to love and be loved, to live
our lives. It is those things we "will get to later when we are not
so busy". We never get to them. Our soul shrinks a bit and our
inner voice becomes a bit quieter. We become so good at presenting the
veneer the "shoulds"
want, that we forget how to be ourselves. When we feel that the "shoulds"
really like our fake self, we begin to doubt the worth of our real self.
The pattern is easy for
me to see, but harder to break. It requires self-awareness for every
decision. A pause to consider why I am making the choice. Is it my
"must" or someone else's "should"?
Only when I figure out that answer, do my options become clearer and my
path more focused.
I had this occasion
yesterday. Every three months I visit my endocrinologist because that is
the standard. It is what
"should" do. It is not a fun or very beneficial thing for me but the
price to pay to get my prescription and lab results. It was a typical
visit. Insurance verification (same), Height/Weight/BMI (same),
blood pressure & pulse (normal), review of meds list (same), review of immunizations (same).
Thank you Meaningful Use and Obamacare for
keeping such good records of this info. Wait for provider in a room with
the loudest ticking clock ever, then shoes off for toe
inspections (normal), listen to heart and lungs (normal), ask about eye exam
(done, sent in the results, no evidence of retinopathy),
review labs (had them done the week before with another lab draw to save a
stick - A1C was 6.5 - YEAH ME!! rest were normal), review info
downloaded from my pump (still random odd readings that don't make sense -
nothing new from last 25 years), ask why I have high readings (provided a
week's worth of food diary that she sat aside), told I should bolus before
meals (repeated that it is my choice to eat first so I know how much I actually
ingested), asked if I needed refills (no - I do online pharmacy, they manage
the refill process electronically) and that was pretty much the end of the
visit.
I "should"
have said thanks and been on my merry way. But I really wanted something
that would make this trip to Dallas worth the gas in my tank! The provider got
a TON of data on me, but I didn't "get" anything. So I asked
some questions. I was curious if there was anything new for Type I's? I keep up with things online, but she has
the inside track. Unfortunately the answer was - just some oral meds for type 2. Nothing for you. Sigh.
OK, maybe a different approach? How happy do you think most of your
patients are? How well do they cope with the challenges of diabetes?
What do you do to help them? The answer was very telling. She
believed it was mostly a personality thing. Some had it, some didn't.
Things for me to
ponder.....no one is prepared for the emotional roller coaster that is
diabetes. I don't think it is her, but the system that creates that
mindset that people with diabetes "should" do all the things the
system dictates. Perhaps the people with the "wrong" personality, who
"should" be handling it better, are just lack the coping skills to
view it from a new perspective. Or perhaps they have other competing "shoulds"(children,
jobs, fear of hypoglycemia) that force "diabetes perfection" (sarcasm
intended - it doesn't exist) to the back burner?
I stop on my way out to
pay my bill ($116) and the receptionist says she we would like to see me in 3
months. I "should" make the appointment. But I don't.
I stop and consider my options and I decide to try a different
approach. I am going to write a letter to my provider to see if we can do
things differently. I am not willing to spend my money for the services I
have been receiving. I understand that she benefits financially from
complying with Obamacare by adhering to the standards set forth and
submitting quarterly information. But "must" I really pay her
for that?
Could we try something new? What if I had
my labs drawn near my home in three months (instead of after the office
visit)? I could fast for fewer hours, we can review online and if
something needs further action, then we do it. Could I fill out screening
questionnaire and email it in? Can she trust me to call if I am having an
issue? Can we decrease office visits to twice a year (with labs in
between) unless something happens that warrants the visit? Please know
that I am not saying standard diabetes care is not necessary, but it isn’t
law. Let’s do what makes sense for each person. We are all
individuals with different wants and needs. I want my goals for our visits to be addressed,
so I will share them with her in my letter: to understand new treatment
options, to learn about her other patient’s successes, to have access to lab
tests, medications and pump supplies she must prescribe, and to be a "good
enough diabetic" so I can live a joy-filled life. My goals are not to be
judged, to be scared into “compliance”, to be a data point for reimbursement, or to be a perfect diabetic.
I really want her words of encouragement and support. I want her cheering
me on. I want her education, experience, and expertise in my
corner. But I “must” do what I know is right for me. I really hope she is willing to try something
new.
Peace,
Patricia
As I was writing this post, I saw this from the Happiness Project.
Good stuff. Give it a read. Thank You for the coincidence <Godwink>!
